COUNTERINTUITIVE RELATIONAL SKILLS
Proverbs 28:23 CSB
23 One who rebukes a person will later find more favor
than one who flatters with his tongue.
Once again, we are back to Proverbs for our devotional. Revelation 16 is an intense chapter with the wrath of God being poured out. We could entitle that chapter 'A Whole Lot of Shaking Going On' - literally. So for today, let's look at some wisdom that flies in the face of current culture.
The one who rebukes a person. A rebuke is a strong correction to take someone to task. Jesus rebuked His disciples, and yet we know that Jesus was love personified. Somehow, we have made the incorrect assumption that if you love someone, then all your words will be positive and affirming. But this proverb says that someone who rebukes a person will find more favor afterward than the one who flatters. One of the keys to this proverb is the word 'afterward.'
Initially, the person who flatters will find more favor and acceptance. Everyone wants to be encouraged and strengthened. Everyone wants to know how wonderful they are. Most of us harbor a level of insecurity, and so affirming words are appreciated until. Until the person realizes that the praise and affirmation are insincere.
That's the definition of flattery: excessive or insincere praise. "Flatterers, like cats, lick and then scratch" —German proverb. "Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs" —George Chapman. There are other quotes about flattery. One said flattery is like a cigarette; it's okay as long as you don't inhale. I could really digress here in the inhaling part, but you get the point. The problem with flattery is the motive behind it. Flattery is intended for the benefit of the one giving the flattery; insincere praise to gain an advantage with another person. I have seen way too much of it in ministry and have an intense dislike of its use.
So the person who rebukes another is correcting with the intent to help, not harm. The result of a rebuke is going to be better than flattery. It's not the people who pumped us full of hot air that were the blessings in our lives, but the ones who helped us make important corrections. And another thing about someone who rebukes. It is obvious they are not playing games, and we know where they stand. The balance for being a person who rebukes is that it should not be the only form of communication. If rebukes are all you do, you may run out of people willing to be around you.
The scriptures are big on truth and mercy. We need both. We need the truth. Do we ever need truth in our relationships! But truth needs to be served with love. As parents, Joy and I believed it was important to speak the truth to our children when they were under our roof. We wanted them to turn out well, so we were not afraid to rebuke them. Some parents are so afraid of losing the love of their children that they are reluctant to rebuke or even correct. But if we look at the truth of our proverb for today, those parents who rebuke in love will have children who appreciate it - afterward. I often told Joy that I was willing to be highly unpopular with my children when they were younger. Now that they are older, we have very strong relationships, and our children know we love them and are still willing to tell them the truth. So over the years, we have found more favor. It wasn't always that way, but we have been in this for the long game.
People need praise and encouragement. But it needs to be sincere in order to build them, not benefit us.